Friday, June 01, 2007

perspective

- finn it's only a hamstring - my mom sighed.

- yeah but i wanted to race in jersey this weekend because i have a shot at winning again, maybe even the tri ...whine whine whine. i'm so insufferable i'm testing even motherly limits.

- it's a hamstring. meanwhile marsha's not even sure she'll make it to jill's wedding now. - my aunt marsha's colon cancer has returned with a vengeance and the only recourse is palliative care. - and there's no way your grandmother's going. she falls asleep anywhere now, at any time; plus i don't want to be changing her scooters every 3 or 4 hours.

- scooters?

- her diapers. but i'm getting better -- i'm now to the point where i can sometimes predict when she'll need to go and then we hustle off to the bathroom. she still gets confused though, even when i'm there. tuesday night she wouldn't sit on the toilet. "sit mom," i told her. "you have to sit down so i can help you." she just looked at me like she didn't understand a thing i was saying. "SIT, MOM." nothing. then she pops out "ahsee-a-voo? " "yes, mom," i said, "ahsee-a-voo."

- ahsee-a-voo?

- it's french for sit down. she hasn't spoken french since my sister and i were little kids. it's funny how parts of the brain shut down, and other parts start up. she can't express a coherent thought, but when i get ready to leave she can say "please stay with me forever" with no problem. it breaks my heart, finn.

- it must. i'm sorry mom.

6 comments:

fatmammycat said...

Sorry to hear about your gamma. Not nice when they start to shut down. I remember when mine started to go, she woudl get so confused and weepy. I had a job of brushing her false teeth every weekend when I got back from the prison they called boarding school and-quite frankly-it used to make me sick. And it upset her too. Stupid really, but there you go.
Your Mom sounds rather lovely too.
However, I stiill feel you can reserve the right to be disappointed over your hamstring, even while you feel deeees beeeg about complaining. You see it is relevant, relevant to you. You work hard, train hard and demand a lot of your body and mind so when something you have no control over gives, well, complaining is allowed.
And it's friday, so I'll shut up now and bask in the Fridayness of it all.

Mayrasmom said...

My grandfather didn't say anything coherent toward the end, other than to speak of events from 40 or 50 years earlier in his life.
Really hard stuff to deal with.
Are you in much pain with the hammie, or just not able to run, whick I'm sure is quite painful in and of it's own right.

finn said...

you gottit kath -- the pain is more mental than physical.

the REAL pain today has been installing XP on my mac. talk about emotional trauma. but running Visio on a mac beats running it on a crappy e-machine, or at least that's what i tell myself.

thanks to both of yas for your recollections. i wish my mum had a friend who's been through this; but the closest she's got is her sister who lives 6 hours away.

thanks for letting me whinge, FMC.

happy weekendz!!

Mayrasmom said...

At least you stayed away from Vista.
Hope the hammie mends toot sweet.
-Kathleen

Brown Suga' said...

Sorry about your grammy, Finn. My grampa shut down physically but mentally he was still fine, which made it worse - it was humiliating for him to be so dependent. He didn't suffer long, though.

But I agree with FMC - your mom has a lot to deal with, but your hammie is important to you too. Everybody's got their perspective of what is and isn't a big deal, I guess - and they have the right to feel bad about it.

Hugs to your grammy and ma and you. Heal soon.

finn said...

Death be not proud, evah, it seems. while my gmother is deteriorating, she's not suffering (or doesn't appear to be) like your grampa, subh; so that's some solace. it sucks that he (and you) had to go through that.