Wednesday, December 31, 2008

House of Toddler Horrors: 1 --- Finn: 0

happy new year and all that jazz. i hope 2009 brings peace & prosperity to you & yours blabbity blah blah enough about you, let's talk about ME.

let's talk about how for the past 5 days i've lived on jello and chicken broth (note no mention of WHISKEY) and you can still see the seams of my mum's sofa on my ass. this was the fallout from an unfortunate xmas eve gathering at the HoTH. here's a thought: if you have a virulently contagious upper GI infection (and you might know this since you and your wife are DOCTORS), maybe you shouldn't have 14 people over for dinner.

i did a lot of thinking during the hours i spent shitting gruel. i thought, how cool that even when it's holding back the yangtze river, your bunghole still works. (mostly) i considered how chicken broth exits in pretty much the same state it enters. and that begged the question, why can't you eat your own poo? poo comes from food, and there's nothing nasty introduced from the outside (like maggots, for instance, or nora roberts), so i am curious why a self-contained process that starts with something edible produces something that's not. and if you could, would it be safe to lick your own liver.

speaking of which, have a happy & safe new year's eve. see you in 2009.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

wishing you Jo-Joy Booties & jameson

yesterday Man-Who-Wears-Socks-On-Head and i shared a ride to a client meeting.
- ready for christmas? - i asked, in the way you'd make smalltalk with co-workers you don't know.
- oh, we don't celebrate christmas.
don't smirk. MWWSOH is white and doesn't wear a yarmulke. you'd have made the same mistake.
- whyyyyy not?
- i'm a jehovah's witness.
- oh my.
did you know that JW's believe in christ, but not that he died on a cross or was born on dec 24th? in fact, they don't believe in birthdays at all, which explains why they have to recruit grownups cos no kid would go for that shit.

anyway, merry christmas to you all. i hope this holiday brings you Jo-Joy Booties, christmas number twos, or your personal equivalent.

[from If Charlie Parker Was a Gunslinger,
There'd Be a Whole Lot of Dead Copycats, one of my new fave blogs cos it's all pitchurs and you don't have to do anything hard like read.]

Monday, December 22, 2008

eat enough rumballs and you won't feel it anyway

i'm sitting at the kitchen table rolling rumballs in granulated sugar when D shuffles in.
- my toe hurts - he announces.
- what did you do to it? and can you bring me the rum please? it's right there.
- i didn't do anything.
the bottle of cruzan black strap materializes.
- and a glass?
he sighs and dodders to the cabinet and back.
- i have an ingrown toenail, i think.
- and pour? - i say, indicating the bottle with an elbow. he does, and waits.
- well what about my TOENAIL - he finally erupts. i look up.
- is it black?
he stares hard at me, then turns away disgusted.
- i don't know why i'm asking a runner - he upbraids himself, or me, or the dog, and sulks into another part of the house.

the second toenail on my left foot is blueing but that means i'm running trail again and that means life is pretty fuckin good.

Friday, December 19, 2008

reason #1,000,000 why i love mac

an auspicious start to a 60hr workweek when my e-machine had a complete system-meltdown. but Parallels on the Lapple purred right along and after tossing my PC off the balcony i worked off the laptop. all this is to say i may not be the most objective person in the room, but i know somebody else.

here's trent razor* on Apple's MainStage, the software used to mix and meddle with the Lights in the Sky audio:

it's been a nice stable platform that gives me the options that i need, the ability to modify it however i want, and i haven't found the thing it can't do yet. i would never go back to something else at this point.

contrast this with rob sheridan's fulminations on the "the SHITTY video software" they were stuck with at the start of the tour:

In This Twilight, Head Down, and the live cameras in Survivalism are currently running through a terrible machine called the Hypotizer, which is basically just primitive, unintuitive video software on three separate Windows machines (one for each screen). We were talked into using it by the company that provides the video hardware for the show, and it's been nothing but a nightmare to work with. It's slowed down our ability to enhance the show during the tour, and it always seems to be fucking up, but we've been stuck with it because it's the only playback device that can access all three screens right now...You'll probably hear about (or see video of) Survivalism looking like a fucking mess in Oakland tonight, and that was because (surprise) the hypotizer crashed. We're really looking forward to getting rid of that thing and revamping some video elements for the second leg of the tour.

friday, 7 morning miles with all pipes running, one albatross cut away.
that'll do melvin that'll do.