Friday, April 21, 2006

practising assertion

forgot to set the pot in the coffee machine and brewed a lake of coffee across the counter. it's going to be one of Those Days.

am feeling v manly, however, for last night i kicked two would-be fisherman off the property. i'd just come back from a run and was contemplating getting nekked and hopping in the pond for a cooldown when i heard a crashing in the bamboo. muffled curses. more crashing, then two guys popped out, readjusting their hats. i cocked my head.

-- hello, um, do you know this is private property?
they both did a passable job of looking surprised.
-- no. really? is it yours?
no need to get technical and explain i'm just a caretaker, right?
-- yes. and there's really nothing here anyway. the pond's really shallow --
here a fish makes an audible plop behind me -- and we've got wood ducks nesting in that box.
i gesture to a pristine-looking box. of course the male duck that's been perching there all week is
in absentia.

to their credit, the dudes do NOT challenge my authority, despite the fact i'm standing there in my skimpy running togs, dripping with sweat and feeling like the biggest liar-head on the planet. they listen politely as i direct them to the park's pond across the street and then vanish into the bamboo as i march back up to the house with my chest puffed out.

i hope they don't come back and toilet-paper the house.


fatmammycat said...

This is where a button with 'release the hounds' printed on it is very useful. That, or a double barrel shotgun loaded with rock salt.

finn said...

i like the way your dastardly creative mind works, FMC. rock salt?? oooh. just the idea makes my bunghole pucker.

fatmammycat said...

Actually the idea is not mine: my father used to load his shotgun with ball bearings stuffed into catridges and shoot the fuckers who thought hunting on our land at night was a super idea. But then Doc Maroon said it would be better to go with rock salt, less chance of killing some one I suppose.
Hardly seems sporting really, oh look, lamp, KABLAM!

finn said...

just rewards, i say! esp for those yahoos who also spotlight-hunt for deer at night. fuckers don't even get out of their trucks -- they just shine their halogen lamps out the passenger window and shoot when light reflects off an eyeball.

the fact that this is illegal seems only to add to the Yahoo Fun Factor.