Monday, March 19, 2007

i owe, i owe...

... and that's no fucking joke. i did my taxes this weekend -- well, my tax guy did them because life is too short & precious to spend agonising over a 1040 form -- and i owe the feds 6K and the state of delaware another grand.

it seems that while my salary over the past year has increased, my withholdings have actually decreased so now i'm taking it up the ass from uncle sam. huzzah!

but as i see it, there's no cause for immediate alarm because i've got a host of promising schemes ideas to come up with the money and a month to do it. i can:

    -- claim i'm the father of anna nicole's kid (the one that's still alive)
    -- sell a kidney
    -- kidnap & ransom one of the brangelina kids. maybe i'd get brad in the bargain. and the ducati.
    -- play lotto and win
    -- marry a rich, dying old guy whose will can be executed before april 15th
    -- return all the big-ticket items i've bought this year: the sofa, the TV, the bike. ha ha just kidding!!!!! lol.
    -- sell my liver. no scratch that; it's too battered. sell the other kidney.
    -- hold up a bank . i'll use chocolate so i don't get in trouble.

    -- win super-big in the March Madness Pool
    -- learn how to play golf, and get invited to and win the Masters Tournament in augusta, GA. no chix allowed tho, so i'll have to duct-tape the ole mammaries.
    -- teach my dog how to talk and go on Oprah
any additional ideas would be much appreciated. i'd even cut you into the profits.


fatmammycat said...

Yikes, that's not velly good news at all. Can't you train the cats to fight, build a thunderdome styled pen and take bets on the outcome. A sort of killing two birds with the one stone sort of scenario.

addon said...

- make yourself a company (I'm guessing taxes on companies are less then on individuals)
- find someone to support (me! me! me!) - do you get tax relief for dependants?
- make yourself a charity - might be a concept worth developing
- cut back on your income and increase your withholdings

that's all i can think of off the cuff ...

Anonymous said...

That sucks.
File for an extension?

Second opinion with different tax person?
Must have been one heck of a salary increase, who the heck does payroll at your company?

Anonymous said...

if you do wind up on Oprah (God fucking forbid), but if you do, can you help me out? Can you ask her where her house is located in Southern California? Cuz everytime my Mom visits me from NJ, she asks me where "Oprah's house is." Like shit is common knowledge. Like she's gently parting the closet door for me. Of course, my fists clench up and I start to yell like Larry David.

finn said...

FMC, i do like the way your mind works -- and judging by the caterwauling that ensued at 1:30 this morning the cats' fighting instincts are already finely tuned.

they are such recalcitrant and stupid beasts that i fear they won't fight on command, though, and will beg for food instead. sort of like the french.

adam, you're probably the only dependent i'll ever have, so i'll take ya.

kath, you know what adds insult to injury? i have to pay a $200 penalty for owing too much. that's like Comcast telling me that after shelling out $18K for setting up cable i'll still have to pay the $100 installation fee. it feels like fucking kafka.

westolowski, i find that if it were up your ass you'd know is a good answer to those do you know where [X] is questions.

not tested on moms tho.