paris hilton writes like a 6-year old

temporarily deprived of crack and vodka, paris hilton's whiling her jailtime away by responding to fan letters, says E-Online.

here's an actual letter received (see how that's spelled??) by a fan:


i am so inspired by paris' heroic stamina, and the little hearts topping her signature, that i wrote my own letter. golly, i hope this gets to her in time!

Dear Paris,

I heard you are having a difficunt and scary time and are feeling sad and alone. When I think of you sad and alone in your cell it makes me feel sad and alone too. It makes me think of that time Etienne and I were playing in the bushes out front and I dared him to eat some of the berries and he got real sick and had to go to the hospital and I thought he would die but all he needed was to have his stomach pumped. But then his mom talked to my mom and called me “that white trash hellspawn” and said we couldn't play anymore. I hope you don't feel as sad and alone as I did then.

Thinking of you in your difficult and scary time also reminds me of that time I went robotripping and met the Snakeman who told me about the bloody penguins and the fingernails that never stop growing. Then the voices in my head got so loud I thought my eyes would explode and afterward Betsy said I was screaming about teeth and razors right before I did a #2 in my pants. That was a scary and difficult time for me. I hope your jail is not like that.

Even though you are experiencing Hard Times, please stay strong and positive, Paris. If you paint a smile on a sad face, sometimes the smile becomes real and you don't have to pretend-smile anymore! Remember the clown who lived in the sewer? At first he must have been sad living in dirty water and trash, but he put on a happy face to talk to the children. And then the children made him happy!

So turn that frown upside-down, Paris! Soon it will be Monday and you will be free and can go back to being rich and having a lot of fun.

Love Always,
Finn