Friday, December 14, 2007

toilet etiquette and a valuable lesson

- fourth floor bathroom is broken - the mayor just reported.
- what?? how can a bathroom be broken? - loucypher challenged.
- toilet's clogged.
- fuck's sake. it's hard enough to take a piss in this place as it is, and now the one bathroom that's not a complete shithole is out of commission. what happened?
- i don't know, but it's so bad the plunger didn't work so we called the landlord.
- who takes a crap that big?
both heads swiveled toward me, but i pretended i couldn't hear the conversation through my headphones. it's not fair that in these cases of The Mystery of the Clogged Pooper i'm typically fingered as the culprit.

let me just say for the sake of saying though, that IF you happen to take an elephant-sized crap that leaves bold skidmarks as it shoots toward the magic land of turdles and wee, and if you want to erase those skidmarks because you're polite (and you don't want to get hollered at again by Nargon the Crapper Nazi), do NOT wad up a big ball of paper towels and flush it down in the hope that it will scrub the sides of the bowl as it swirls through. this may seem like a sound idea, but it's really not, because the pipes get narrower somewhere down the line, i guess. hypothetically speaking.

HTH.

9 comments:

Twenty Major said...

People should not poo in public toilets if at all possible. You should have to prove that you can't hang on until you get home.

How? I don't know. But that's not the point.

Twenty Major said...

Perhaps if you can demonstrate a turtle's tail that would be sufficient.

finn said...

you've never had a real job, have you twenty. those of us consigned to offices dont have the luxury of pooing on the moon, in mordor or in front of the Corrs.

fatmammycat said...

I'm guessing he's never eaten much fibre or fruit. I'm also going to go on a WILD guess and say that most of his are liquid due entirely to a Jameson and white pudding diet.

finn said...

shame he cannot appreciate the beauty of tilting into the day fully loaded on a banana, a grapefruit, 3 oranges, a kiwi and a mango. that -- and 1 capsule of milk thistle -- is 10 jameson credits right there.

have you considered mango in your fruit-enhanced diet? it is so fun to say. mang-go. and so nice with rum.

fatmammycat said...

Can you spread it on toast?

finn said...

well yes but it's not as spreadable as, say, Gobs of Goo from the Vagina.

Mayrasmom said...

A handful of that office grass might have come in handy...

finn said...

yes. i shall suggest to quasar that we keep the sample square next to the plunger.