you suck at charisma

i am the tragic heroine in my own Jane Eyre - Office Space mashup right now so parDONaMAY if i come off churlish and grumpy. but this article - 8 Keys to Instant Charisma - just popped up in my Google Reader and as i am nothing if not charismatic, vivacious and specfuckingtackular, it needs a response.

for victims of ADD, PMS or CNN, i'll summarise. the 8 keys are as follows:

1. Mirroring
2. Remembering Names
3. Be Interested
4. Allowing Others to Talk
5. Intention
6. Offer Help
7. Smile
8. Authenticity

ghastly inconsistency in parallel structure aside, i have to say this list is utter shite. maybe for gutless pussies who've never been laid this is a good list. if you suckjd at photoshop, those 8 keys are all you. but for REAL people, if you want to validate yourself and be liked in MY shitty little world @MyCo here are 8 keys for you:

1. don't puke on the sidewalk outside the building and expect the office manager to clean it up before a client visits.
2. don't strew your nasty marlboro light butts around the entranceway and expect the same.
3. don't leave pubes on the seat of the crapper; don't piss on the floor; don't shit on the underside of the toilet seat; don't leave floaters. fuck sake, don't you notice these things as you're washing your hands??
4. wash your hands.
5. don't assume that a lack of planning on your part constitutes an emergency on mine.
6. does it look like i want to chitchat next to the fridge? i don't. move aside and let the man go through.
7. don't be a cunt.
8. know when it's Opposite Day. on Opposite Day nos 1-7 are sources of infinite amusement and joy. on Opposite Day one merry little bobber will entertain me and loucypher all afternoon. i felt like it was Opposite Day during the GOP debate on wed night when, in a response to janet hook, mitt romney spooled off a litany of objectionable things about john mccain. but it wasn't Opposite Day; romney's just a tard.

HTH. pls direct all questions here.