Friday, February 01, 2008

you suck at charisma

i am the tragic heroine in my own Jane Eyre - Office Space mashup right now so parDONaMAY if i come off churlish and grumpy. but this article - 8 Keys to Instant Charisma - just popped up in my Google Reader and as i am nothing if not charismatic, vivacious and specfuckingtackular, it needs a response.

for victims of ADD, PMS or CNN, i'll summarise. the 8 keys are as follows:

  1. Mirroring
  2. Remembering Names
  3. Be Interested
  4. Allowing Others to Talk
  5. Intention
  6. Offer Help
  7. Smile
  8. Authenticity
ghastly inconsistency in parallel structure aside, i have to say this list is utter shite. maybe for gutless pussies who've never been laid this is a good list. if you suckjd at photoshop, those 8 keys are all you. but for REAL people, if you want to validate yourself and be liked in MY shitty little world @MyCo here are 8 keys for you:
  1. don't puke on the sidewalk outside the building and expect the office manager to clean it up before a client visits.
  2. don't strew your nasty marlboro light butts around the entranceway and expect the same.
  3. don't leave pubes on the seat of the crapper; don't piss on the floor; don't shit on the underside of the toilet seat; don't leave floaters. fuck sake, don't you notice these things as you're washing your hands??
  4. wash your hands.
  5. don't assume that a lack of planning on your part constitutes an emergency on mine.
  6. does it look like i want to chitchat next to the fridge? i don't. move aside and let the man go through.
  7. don't be a cunt.
  8. know when it's Opposite Day. on Opposite Day nos 1-7 are sources of infinite amusement and joy. on Opposite Day one merry little bobber will entertain me and loucypher all afternoon. i felt like it was Opposite Day during the GOP debate on wed night when, in a response to janet hook, mitt romney spooled off a litany of objectionable things about john mccain. but it wasn't Opposite Day; romney's just a tard.
HTH. pls direct all questions here.


Anonymous said...

I could accomplish all of those things with no trouble at all, if it weren't for my sprained vagina...

finn said...

speaking of infinite amusement and joy.

- and, when are you going to get bettter - loucypher just lamented.
- how do you cancel an auction? - i wondered.
- in Ogremar?
- no. in the ffff... in the REAL world.
- don't you people ever move on? - asked emceecarv.
- NO.

fatmammycat said...

But it IS Friday. Although Friday seems to lose a lot of the love when you know you've got to spend Satdee morning looking at wedding dresses.

finn said...

lessee -- churning out 4000yds of vomit-inducing intervals, or languishing in the space between organza and silk faille. yes, i agree you drew the short stick on sat morn.

it would be much worse with a hangover tho.

fatmammycat said...

But much better if I was blind drunk during, I think we can agree.

finn said...

agreed -- tomorrow may leave scars upon the fatcat's soul, but will provide good fodder for tales.

onward christian soldiers.

justnuts said...

currently posting those next to my desk.

finn said...

i hope they work better for you than they did for me.